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jacob ?????

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About jacob ?????

  • Birthday 05/09/1985

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Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
    seattle, wa, usa, earth, milky way
  • Interests
  • Occupation
  • Favorite Radiohead Song
    Subterranean Homesick Alien
  • Favorite Radiohead Album
    OK Computer
  • Other bands you like

jacob ?????'s Achievements


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  1. yeah, thinking back I have no idea why I did so much. it was a very bad idea and i'm very lucky something very bad didn't happen. i honestly believe it was divine intervention
  2. damn, a whole year? i'll have to stay at home and write new songs with jonny. damn.
  3. At Bonnaroo in 2006, I took about 1/4 oz of psilocybin mushrooms during Beck's set. While they were clearing the stage and setting up for Radiohead, the sky began to change colors and I started to identify people in the crowd as being angels or demons. I was about to witness the final battle of good versus evil, and I could see a queue of people, millions long, fading into the woods to the left of the stage, I think where the sun was setting. They were waiting to be judged and go to their final resting place. I don't remember the first song Radiohead played at Bonnaroo, or really much of anything from that show. Listening to the bootleg makes me feel anxious and nauseous, so I don't. I do remember thinking at one point, "this isn't a real performance, the band members are holograms and this whole thing is a computer generated illusion and I want my money back". I also remember repeatedly looking over my shoulder behind me, and every time I did, the crowd went wild and when I looked back at the stage to see what was happening it was over and I had missed out on whatever it was that was so spectacular. Then I began to fear that the thing that was so spectacular was the fact that I wasn't mentally present, which allowed everybody else to enjoy the experience that much more, as if my mere existence was a psychic drag on every other person attending the festival. I remember feeling extremely uncomfortable and wanting to leave, but I had taken everything out of my pockets and left it in my backpack with some random people I had met, and wandered into the crowd of ~100,000. When the lights came on after the show, I immediately snapped out of the mushroom experience and was sober. I was petrified that I would never find my wallet, phone, keys, or make it back to my tent, or find the friends I had made there again (I went to bonnaroo by myself). Furthermore, I remembered that I had still more mushrooms in my backpack with all of these items, including my driver's license which would tie me to the crime of possessing an illegal substance. I was probably going to jail, for all I could figure. I walked back towards the campgrounds, head hanging low, not sure how to find my tent or where I was or what had just happened. Literally as I stepped through the festival venue exit to go towards the campgrounds, I looked to my left and there was the guy I had made friends with and his other friends. He had long blonde hair and was wearing a white t-shirt. He was on the good side of the battle I thought I was about to witness. He was holding my backpack and had a big smile on his face when he saw that we had been looking for each other, not realizing that we had been walking side by side for some ways already. A while down the road, I would meet him again in Las Vegas for the Vegoose music festival. I would stay with him and his friends in their hotel, and share a bed with him. I was attracted to him, but he had a girlfriend, and I was really uncomfortable and almost slept on the floor because I was ashamed of the fact that I thought he was beautiful and I felt wrong resting next to him. I don't remember his name or have his phone number anymore.
  4. websites like MT are able to run because of the revenue generated by these ads, so I feel responsible for allowing them to exist as a contributing member of the community.
  5. I am getting these banner ads on MT advertising a service to tell you about people's secrets and who in your neighborhood has ever been arrested (apparently regardless of whether they were ever found guilty of a crime or not). This disgusts me. What ever happened to respecting people's privacy, and innocent until proven guilty? Why would you want to go snooping into other people's secrets anyway? The only good reason I can think of for this type of service is if you are a malicious person who seeks to harm these people who have been arrested or who have secrets, some of whom keep those secrets secret for valid reasons. Can somebody do something about this?
  6. For my personal background and to understand why I would even ask this question, see my post in 'introduce yourself, bitches'. Imagine this: some cosmic or not-so-cosmic event occurs, and you are suddenly a child again, but you are no longer part of your biological family. You have to decide to either go it alone, or be adopted into somebody else's family. The good news is, your favorite band's members love you back and they're all willing to adopt you. So you get to choose which Radiohead member to trust and love and think of as your parent and guardian forever, someone who will never in all of eternity abandon you. I, sadly, went through this in a kind of way that I can't bear to describe. Again, read the post I linked above for background... It came down to Jonny or Thom, not because they're any better or more special than anyone else, but because I have such a rich emotional connection to Thom through his voice/lyrics and Jonny through his superhuman guitar prowess. It would probably be hard for most people to understand how I could put that kind of trust into someone I have never met (came close in San Diego in 2003)... Especially when my trust has been broken and abused so many times and for so long...... Anyway, to answer my own question, I chose Thom to think of as a father figure in the parallel reality where I've been living lately. I have actually been calling myself Jacob Yorke when I meet people, or when I'm talking to someone like a potential attorney over the phone, which is not by any means my real name. (As an aside, the attorney I spoke to for about an hour on the phone today declined to take on my case, for reasons too complex to explain or for me to even understand, probably). I chose Yorke over Greenwood, I think, because if I can be honest for a second, I am a proud gay male and I am deeply in love with Jonny and it would not really be good for me to mix that with thinking of him as a father figure, especially given my sordid past with my biological father. I'd rather think of him as a brother or something else. So i'm wondering, who would you choose, and why, if you were in my shoes? Just pretend like your life has gone to hell in a hand basket, everything has been turned on its head and you're dying of cancer, that is, assuming the overwhelming sadness and loneliness doesn't get caught in a feedback loop again and lead you to do something which would kill you first. I kind of feel like the lost child from the OK Computer album art. Sadly, this feeling generates hope in my heart that through some unknown force, this is all true and real and everything really is going to be OK. I say sadly because I am incapable of actually believing this to be true, so now I am tearing at the seams, being pulled in opposite directions between reality and a fantasy world that I can't bring myself to even pretend like I deserve to be a part of. I'm so hopelessly broken, I need a hug. I hope you guys don't hate me.
  7. i think i've already posted in here saying essentially nothing, but i'm drawn to post now and say hi, since a lot has changed since July 1, 2007. in these 6 years, i've finished college (gaining a bachelor of science degree), moved to seattle, made friendships that will last my entire life, my next life, and every thing above, beyond, beside, beneath, betwixt [...] including but not limited to infinity, eternity, forever and ever and ever and ever and [...] not withholding and notwithstanding any and all religious or other spiritual responsibilities or inter-existential peacemaking expectations... i have friends that would spend eternity in hell so that I wouldn't have to spend one more night in tears. i addressed some really big challenges, struggled, made progress, and most recently, i've come down with cancer. i was born to a bad man in a bad house who had bad friends who gave him bad things to use to make me feel bad. his wife, my mother, was complicit at best. i try not to think about him her or that place or those things, except for when I get the impression that i'm in some sort of cosmic vacuum cleaner and that the act of trying to dig up memories will release them before they come up to consciousness. when that happens i tend to jump on the chance to turn on a song like 'exit music for a film' and think about going through airport security in Austin, TX on Christmas Eve, flying away from the family holiday and back to Arizona, the place where I hated my life and wanted to escape. tears pouring down my face as I looked at my mom through her glasses, asking "why?" with my eyes and getting shuffled through the line by TSA agents... one of whom, ahem, sang me "walking in a winter wonderland" as I was stepping through the x-ray, still crying, hardly able to breathe for all the sadness and fear coursing through my body. that event, and the events at the same airport the night before, brought forth a period of about a decade where I would be involuntarily forced to take psychiatric drugs and see court-ordered therapists, whom most of the time I didn't trust. the only thing holding me together during these ten years was music. radiohead was a big big part of that, because I found comfort in sharing the emotional energy transmitted in the albums and lovingly spread over the crowd at a performance. I also felt like I was piecing together a puzzle, with all the unmistakably weird mind games radiohead likes to play with their fans... this would be troublesome because i am terrified that I might accidentally or surreptitiously (for somebody else's benefit) piecing my own past back together - a past that I have tried so hard to forget. all while trying to figure out what those flag messages meant while they were negotiating in rainbows and the split from capitol records. or when trying to buy tickets from w.a.s.t.e again. or when I shoved about 80% of the "special" paper that came with the newspaper album into my radiohead tour 2008 "water only" bottle and drank from it. and then got in my BMW and crashed into a barrier on the freeway at 150 miles per hour, but not before swerving through traffic and screaming by stopped cars over a course of about 20 miles from downtown Seattle towards Canada. (cue Airbag)... In a fast German car, I'm amazed that I survived. so here we are, in the year of our lord 2013. i have cancer. great. my brain is changing in ways i don't understand, not that i really want to anyhow. every few weeks, mister pharmaceutico comes along and makes a deposit quite literally directly into my heart (google powerport if you're curious - the chemo goes through a tube, inside my jugular, and down into my heart). the poison will kill the bad parts of me and try to not accidentally kill the good parts too. my identity is dissolving. i have stopped answering to my old name, the one that i lived with for 28 years. now i'm jacob, a name that honors a boy from Minnesota who was kidnapped from his home when we were both young. my friends don't like it. they want the old guy back. this is where it gets difficult. i am anxious about this. if i'm changing my name I suppose I get a new last name, too. hell isn't that the point in the first place? to get rid of my biological father's unholy name? i guess it's not as important in a way, because being Jacob first means I can determine my ideal pesonality, develop a background story, and really settle into the casual side - when i'm with my friends, they don't call me by my last name anyway. and i have family members who (before marrying) shared that last name so I can hold off on figuring it out for now. but it's obvious and it makes me more anxious. and it makes me scared. and it makes my eyes sting with oncoming tears. fuck it. i have cancer, don't have anything to prove to anyone and i don't have to answer to anyone about it. on some of the darker nights of the last ten years, I started to think about asking somebody to, for all intents and purposes, adopt me. since I'm an adult, this is not necessary for any official transfer of responsibility in a legal or governmental sense. but i could make a serious looking certificate and ask someone to just think of me as their child... to honor my emotional needs because there are many and understand that i'm fucking broken and i'm not going to do what you might want or expect. in my heart i'm begging random strangers on the street to hold me under their wing, while in my mind I am running away from everyone and everything as fast as I can, to go be alone, forever. if i got to have a "dying of cancer wish" it would be that my name become Jacob Yorke, and that someday after I die, I can live for awhile in a place where someone I respected and connected with and loved and idolized could love me back and protect me from the awful things that i can't bear to continue to witness in this world. i can't even go to the bbc, cnn or npr without feeling physical pain over the pathetic state of affairs here. so there you have it. that's me. i'm probably not as big of a fan as you, I don't have all the radiohead stickers ever made and posters on my wall and spiral notebooks filled with handwritten copies of song lyrics and chords. I don't have the lyrics to "I might be wrong" memorized and I'm sure I wouldn't be as good as you at being thom's theoretical adopted child. i will never be good enough. --- i'm crying, i have to stop this now.
  8. call me ishmael! i mean jacob. call me jacob.

  9. I'm really sad to hear about this. I was in a bit of a daze after reading about it yesterday, I couldn't help but think about all the "what ifs". My thoughts and condolences go to Scott Johnson's family and friends, the rest of the crew and the band. I can't imagine how sad/shaken everyone must be. Besides time taken for replacing gear and making another lighting rig, I would totally understand if there are more cancellation(s) to cope with this. Someone mentioned the second set of gear from the 2006 tour, I do remember reading that too. So hopefully when everyone's ready, the equipment will be too. RIP Scott Johnson
  10. Anybody have moment(s) to share where during a Radiohead show you got goosebumps and shivers running up and down your body? My most memorable was in San Diego June 26, 2006 (http://www.setlist.fm/setlist/radiohead/2006/bayside-san-diego-ca-63d6ba5f.html) at the end of the second encore (of three). They had just finished Everything in its Right Place, Jonny was still on the stage, and the lights were spelling out "forever and ever and ever..." (usually they said "Everything Everything Everything..."). I felt so immersed in warm energy (probably because it was hot out) and felt kind of dazed like I had seen a ghost. I'm pretty sure the hair on the back of my neck was standing up. Everyone was screaming and clapping and I was glued in place. The best part was that they came back with 4 Minute Warning which slowly brought me back to reality. What an unreal experience.
  11. Yeah, the GA numbers are just for counting or whatever.
  12. Saved to camera roll. so jealous too...
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