I was drinking with friends and something in our conversation made me think of some MT thing for the first time in ages, so I decided to actually revisit the board and do a little vanity search. When I left last time, I did not really plan to ever return, and I am not returning now either, but of course I did quite like that I was mentioned so often in a thread called 'The History of MT'. I shouldn't be particularly proud of the way I placed my name in that history, but there are some posts that I still think are pretty great, like the whole bearstory thread, but there's also just way too much stuff where I used people's weaknesses against them to make them feel even weaker. Today I think one of my better traits is the ability to use humour to take the edge off horrible and mean and depressing things, but I think my approach on MT was much closer to just amplifying horrible, mean, and depressing things. The most pathetic part is that this was just so incredibly common to the whole rapefish character and not even just an occasional fringe thing. It really overshadowed the funny and entertaining stuff in the end. Partly that was of course because of what a miserable self-loathing drunk fuck I was, partly what a young immature boy I was, partly because of the nature of how people perceive their place in a community. I think online communities are kinda like weird gangs of people who you hang out with back in school in the way that, although you believe that you have completely separated yourself from them rationally and emotionally, as soon as you find yourself amongst them you just instinctively act in a certain way that you expect them to expect from you, without even being particularly conscious of it. That's why I would never come back here even if I would want to (for whatever bizarre reason). I would just probably slip back into the juvenile and unpleasant character that is the Rapefish without even noticing. There's quite a few MT people who I really miss though, like bleesh and alfonso and emily, so if any of them should see this, I hope that they'll give me a message and that we can maybe have a talk someday on skype. I'll check back in a few weeks, probably.